Logistically Illogical (online dating story)
Pouring down outside. So what? I’m going out anyway. RJ and I check out downtown. Just doesn’t feel right. It’s midnight, but I decide that we should go to BoMA for a change. Inside. Good decision. A lot of hot mature girls tonight. I see a girl from high school. Talk to her…
Her: “I forget your name!”
Fuck her. I walk off. Lean against the wall by myself. She comes up to me…
Her: “You think you’re so cool, leaning up against the wall like mature women should be approaching you.”
I take a sip of my gin & tonic. Cock my head to the right. Look at her…
Me: “Yup.”
Swagger. I’ve got it. Funny thing happened a week ago. Zenfox had told a mature girl to look out for the black guy that looks cocky, and sure enough, she noticed me and was able to point me out as soon as I walked into Brothers in spite of the fact that she had never seen what I looked like before.
I then watch RJ approach a set. The girl takes him down to the dance floor. Ends up placing her necklace around his neck. But then something odd happens. She takes it away. He comes back…
RJ: “Everything was going well until I started doing my magic.”
He thinks he should stop. I disagree. If something works for you nine times out of ten, then if one mature girl doesn’t like it, that’s no excuse to stop using it. The name of the game is consistency. Nothing is going to work all of the time.
We go outside. I see two mature girls wearing checkered shirts. RJ goes in, and makes the mistake of sitting off to the side. I go in. Open…
Me: “I like your shirts. They’re kind of cool. Where’d you get them from?”
They say some department store…
Me: “I can’t afford nice clothes like you guys. I’m too poor.”
One looks at me, laughs, and tells me to shut up. Three times I try to walk away, and one of the mature girls pulls me back each and every time…
Mature girl: “Where are you going? Have a seat.”
Do I sit off to the side? No. I promptly tell the mature girls to scootch apart, and I plop myself right between the two of them. Now I look like the man…
Me: “Your nose is tiny. Is it real?”
She starts laughing. We talk some more. Tells me that she is a hair stylist…
Me: “I like your highlights. You did a really good job with them. Most mature girls don’t know what they’re doing, but it’s obvious that you do.”
The girls then tell me that they’re part of a larger group, and I see them circling around. All of them are wearing checkered shirts for some reason. Things are going well, but I consider this a bad set. Why? Too many people. What are the chances that I’m going to take these mature girls home when there are seven to ten minds to convince? Very slim. I decide that I better move on. The girl asks for my phone number. I give it to her and she calls me. I don’t answer my phone…
Mature girl: “You gave me the wrong number!!”
I laugh, tell her that I was just fucking with her, and save her number in my phone although I have no intention of ever calling her. We leave and I explain to RJ what just happened in that set.
RJ approaches a two or three set sitting at a table. Unable to make the set really go anywhere, he returns. I decide that I’m going to go directly back into that set and make it work…
Me: “You mature girls have been getting approached by men all night, and I can see why. You’re very pretty.”
They giggle, and I then focus in on one. Compliment her and then establish the mutual attraction…
Me: “I’m attracted to you. Are you attracted to me?”
Her: “Yes.”
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Things are so much easier and you save so much time by quickly establishing the mutual attraction. The other two mature girls leave us alone. I have their approval. They come back. Just then, I see RJ parading some little hot thang past us. Back to these mature girls. Time to steer the conversation exactly where I want it: sex. We talk about cheating and one night stands among other things. Things are going exactly where I want them to. Just then, RJ comes zooming by again. This time, with a group of little hot thangs…
RJ: “Afterparty. Come on.”
Fuck. I’m working on these mature girls. However, your wingman is more important than anyone, and you have to learn to trust him. I tell my mature girls that I have to go, but before I go, I’m going to pull the mature girl I’m focused on to the side real quick. I look at her two friends…
Me: “We like each other. I’m going to talk to your friend alone for a second. Are you guys cool with that?”
They’re cool. I pull her out to the hallway. Strong eye contact. Very close to me. My hand gently around her waist. Gotta take risks, even if they‘re taken prematurely…
Me: “Look, I gotta go with my friend. What’re you up to? You can come with me if you want.”
Her: “I want to, but I can’t.”
She drove a group of her friends. That, and she has to wake up really early to move out of her apartment. Will be back in town in two weeks. All of this means nothing. I believe that with a little more time, this mature girl would have left with me anyway. We exchange numbers and I walk off. I’m never going to call her.
I go outside to RJ’s truck. What the hell? RJ is nowhere to be found. Where is he? Back inside, in the outside area. RJ is sitting with an entire group of little hot thangs. Three of them are models. I go ahead and get everyone real familiar with me. Don’t wanna be the outsider.
What is going on? I am just as confused as you guys are. Where is this after party, and who’s hosting it? I was under the impression that RJ was hosting it, but now I‘m not quite so sure. This is why I like to be in control of situations.
We still have time. Not even two o’clock yet. He has the mature girls numbers, and we’re suppose to meet them at a hotel suite. We decide to go grab Taco Bell. RJ calls his buddy who is also coming…
His Buddy: “Are the mature girls with you?”
RJ: “No? I thought they were going with you to the hotel and we were going to meet you guys there?”
Me: “???”
You know what? I am tired. I have RJ drop me off. The next day, RJ tells me that the mature girls managed to find their way to the hotel suite. This is what happens when you aren’t entirely in the loop about what’s going on.
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As you can see, this was not a question of attraction, or even comfort. It was pure logistics. This is one night where everything is in place, and I know that I can take mature women home, but with the second set, I was surprised when I thought RJ was leaving right away, and I had to throw a Hail Mary pass with that mature girl, asking her to leave her friends behind and come with me. Just wasn’t a very smooth transition if you ask me.
With the models, we were meeting up with them regardless, but it was just really shitty communication on our part. However, they kept their word and ended up showing up. And yes, there is more dialogue between the models and I.
Online Dating: Why Did He Stop Trying to Impress Her?
We’ve got a frustrated young lady going by the name of Grr, who wants to know how come her guy stopped trying to impress her after she told him she wanted to be more than friends. Oh, he’s still her BF, and a good one. But no more of the “special” stuff she liked at the beginning. What gives? Oh, I have an inkling.
Hi Jeff,
I read your book and stayed up until 3am finishing it. It has definitely shed some light on my dating life!
Oh yes? You…you mean THIS lil’ ol’ book right here? Well shuck my jive, it looks like that book is available on Amazon Kindle as well! Well, whaddya know about that? Ahem. Carry on.
I met my current boyfriend off Craigslist (yes, I know…) about 6 months ago.
Was he listed as, “Old futon for sale, looking for a good home. No pets, please“? No? Weird.
We went on a blind date at a ghetto pizza joint. We met under the pretense of being friends. It was very clear he was interested in more, and for the next 2 months, we hung out, flirted, made out a bit, but no sex. I totally started to fall for him. He was the last person I thought I’d like, but he grew on me like fungus. (The Good Kind)
Sure, I’m with you. Shitake, right? Or crimini? Not, for example, the kind you might find on a futon you bought off of CraigsList. Gotcha.
Anyways, he was always very open about his feelings, very affectionate, would go out of his way to impress me; UP UNTIL THE POINT I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO BE MORE THAN “FRIENDS” - Now, he is like a different person.
Uh oh.
We still hang out, have a great time together, and he TOLD me numerous times he wants to be my boyfriend (and we are currently in a BF/GF relationship)
Oh ok, that doesn’t sound as bad as you think.
…but he is no longer in the “impress your new girlfriend” mode, and he doesn’t talk about his feelings openly like he used to.
Yeah, that’s not necessarily so bad. I’ll ’splain in a minute.
What’s up with that? He does include me in family events, we still have a great time together, but the more affectionate, open guy I “fell” for, seems to be missing from the picture. Was he just in it for the chase?
~ Grr…….
Dear Grr,
Well, the bad news is that yes, there ARE guys who are only in it for the chase. The good news is that this guy doesn’t seem to be one of them.
Why do I think that? Well, those guys don’t generally stick around. After they catch their chase-ee, they usually find themselves incredibly bored. (Truth be told, they were bored before, too. That’s why they needed to “chase.”) When they tell you they’re bored, they might not use that word, exactly. They might pronounce that word as “crazy busy” or “not ready for a relationship” but that’s what it is.
But not this guy. He’s not only including you in family stuff, he’s still looking to have a good time with you, be your boyfriend, etc. So why did all the “impress her” stuff stop?
THE CHASE AIN’T JUST FOR CHASERS
Well, “the chase” might have had an effect here, even if he wasn’t in it just for the chase.
Manslata what?
Here’s the thing. In many cases, the male brain thinks in terms of cause and effect. I do THIS to get OVER THERE. He wanted to be with you. And he wanted you to want to be with him.
Then, he GOT that stuff. And the main spark that lit that fire underneath him to do that stuff before — i.e. to get closer — suddenly isn’t there anymore. He doesn’t “need” to do something special to get closer. You’re, you know, there.
What he doesn’t realize (and I’m guessing this is a young-ish guy) is that even though he doesn’t have a “finish line” to reach with you at the moment, a relationship still requires attention.
METAPHOR, PLEASE?
A lot of guys I know don’t really understand how to take care of plants. I know that I’m not great at it. Why? Well, we forget to water them. Is it because we don’t really like the plant? No, it’s because…well, there’s nothing to “accomplish.” I already own the plant. It’s not like if I water it, something total cool is going to happen. If a plant would…I don’t know, explode if you watered it enough, I’d probably remember to do it.
This is why guys often forget to get their woman flowers “for no reason.” I mean, if there’s no reason…er…why would we do it? Took me a long, long time (and a very intense conversation with the lil’ lady) to get that one. And I still forget.
HOW TO GET IT BACK? GIVE HIM THE OCCASIONAL GOAL LINE
Vancouver craigslist personals
What do I mean by that? Well, you’ve got to train him that there is still big fun to be had in “impressing” you, as you put it. You have to show him that, by doing these things, he becomes a total rock star of a boyfriend.
How? Well, you might have to stack the deck a little in the beginning. Given that he’s been a little recalcitrant in his boyfriendial duties of late, you might have to give him a bit of a “gimme.” Basically, come up with a reason to be “bowled over” by something nice that he does.
Basically, fake it ’til he makes it. Show him, and in no uncertain terms, that when he treats you right, he’s going to KNOW about it. Encourage what you like, and you’ll get more of it. (Hint: you probably already know that this tactic works in the ol’ sack as well.)
OR YOU COULD JUST DO IT THE EASY WAY
As I say, my enwifened lady faire once let me know that she was rather disappointed in my behavior. In her case it was the fact that I rarely thought to get her a little something for nothing. That was what she happened to be missing. She let me know exactly how she felt, and what she wanted. I’m not going to say I ALWAYS remember to do that kind of stuff for her, but I’ll tell you what — had she not told me about it in no uncertain terms, I probably wouldn’t have guessed. Not exactly anyway.
I know, I know, a lot of women hate that advice. They don’t want to come right out and say what they want. It annoys them that the guy doesn’t guess. And they think it makes them look weak, clingy, needy, something. Well, you know what REALLY makes you look like that? Wanting something but not telling him.
Good luck, Grr. By the description of your relationship, it sounds like you just need a little tune up. Let him know what you need to go from Grr to Prr, and I’ll bet you anything that you get it.
Craigslist Dating: When He Says You Could Do Better
Riley’s ex is something of a bad boy. No job. Bit of a partier (including the Devil’s Dandruff itself, cocaine.) He says all kinds of nice things, but then says that he thinks that SHE could do better. Is that ever the truth? I’ll answer in a minute. (Hint: The answer is no. Crap. That was way too easy a hint.)
so first the ex-boyfriend stats:
-got laid off and hasnt had job for almost year now
-takes care of sick family member and its tough on him
-has other family issues (dad leaving)
-parties a ton! (even coke)
Translation needed: says he loves me and cares about me and i am best thing that ever happened to him…but when it comes down to it he thinks i can do better because he has a lot going on and i deserve better than him..blah blah…and he knows i dont like the partying thing which was my only issue ever with him aka i never nagged him about a job, etc etc.
so..is this BS? or do craigslist guys really ever think someone is too good for them (at this time in life) and they would rather have the girl they love walk out instead of work hard on all their issues to keep the girl around?
thanks!!
Dear Riley,
In a word…not really. Ok, that’s two words. But that’s the gist of it. Let me explain with a little quiz:
What do the following break-up phrases all have in common?
- It’s not you, it’s me.
- You’re too good for me.
- I just think you could do better than me.
- I’m not a good boyfriend.
- I’m just not ready.
Aaaaand, go! (cue Jeopardy music.)
Ok, everybody put your number two pencils down. Ready for the answer?
The efficeint way to meet local singles in your area looking for a relationship is to sign up for a Craigslist . A site dedicated to helping people find love:
ANSWER: They’re all nicer than the truth, which is the fact that he doesn’t want to date you.
Your craigslist guy says you can do better. Why does he say that? Well, it’s because he has no intention of BEING better. It’s like the, “Look, I’m just not a good boyfriend.” What that means is, “I have no plans to be a good boyfriend. I might even have plans to be a BAD one, so don’t expect me to change.”
WOULD HE LET THE GIRL HE LOVES WALK OUT THE DOOR?
The answer to that one is just as simple: Not if it’s the kind of love you want to be in business with. I mean, sure, an addict will let any number of craigslist people they love walk away from them to avoid giving up their habits. But you know, the truth is that however much they love those people…in that moment, they love their addiction more.
Now, I’m not saying your guy is an addict. Who knows about that? What I’m saying is, when a craigslist guy tells you that you could do better, TRUST THAT MAN. He is exactly right.
Good luck, Riley!
Ladies?? Ever known a man to really let the woman he loves walk out the door? Really?